To say that we have been busy as of late would be an understatement. I have been looking forward to this weekend for awhile. Yes, almost every hour of our weekend was crammed packed with activity but they were things we were looking forward to. Saturday morning activities went smoothly and the ease of the morning decided to stay put in the morning...not making its way into the afternoon. *sigh*
I am a planner. It is actually quite debilitating at times. The feeling of everything must go according to plan or I might explode...is not exactly fun for me. Sometimes I wish I weren't this way but the fact is that I am. {God did create me to be a planner after all, but more on that later.}
In beginning our homeschool journey, my husband and I thought it would be great to join a local homeschool association. I, being the planner that I am, RSVP for the fall social, that the homeschool association was putting on, an entire month before the event. When looking at our family calender, I did realize it would be a tight squeeze to fit the fall social into our calender but we would make it work. Since the social started at four we would stay for an hour before leaving for our next activity.
The time arrived for the fall social so our whole family loaded up in the car and off we went. We have some great homeschooling friends and were looking forward to getting to know other homeschool families as well.
We arrived at the park, the kids ran to the playground equipment, and within a breath had made instant friends with the other children playing.
{I was jealous of this fact. If only I were that brave.}
{My husband and I are both introverts so take that fact into consideration before you continue reading.}
When we arrived at the park, we watched our kids play and awkwardly waiting for someone to come up to us and make conversation. A woman, I had met previously, did reintroduce herself to me while my husband was taking something back to the car. "I'm not invisible!" I thought to myself while this sweet woman introduced herself before she moved on to welcome the next family. My husband returned and we made our way closer to where the children were playing. Another homeschool mom introduced herself and made polite conversation until she had to leave to go assist with the food. It was now, 4:17pm.
"Okay...we still have 43 minutes to make lasting friendships, eat dinner and get everyone loaded into the car before we have to leave."
{Breath}
26 minutes later.
I am not exactly sure how awkward my husband and I looked standing there watching our children play but it seemed everyone else knew someone at the social. {We were the newbies. I am sure the veteran homeschoolers could spot us a mile away.} The time was now 4:43pm and I saw a couple who looked close to our age and had children the same age as ours. Hallelujah! But my excitement was quickly diminished when the following thought crossed my mind.
"Oh no, how on earth did my daughter manage to get in that high swing all by herself?"
I went over to tend to my daughter and when I came back to my husband, he was now sitting at the same picnic table as the other couple.
Victory!
It was now 4:46pm...this was our last chance to at least make contact with another homeschool family and have a conversation about whatever homeschool families talk about. Somehow we managed to enter into a conversation but the time was now 4:58pm. I awkwardly explained that we had to leave for church and word vomited the fact that the reason we attend Saturday evening is because we are busy on Sunday morning and don't have the chance to go to service. I am pretty sure I came across more as an uppity show off all rather than the girl who just wanted to go to church to spend time with her Savior and who genuinely desired to please the Lord and love others. I was sure I had successfully killed any chance of getting out of this evening without melting into puddle of shame.
My husband mentioned that maybe we could stay to eat and maybe meet a few more people and just go to the early service the next morning but...I refused. Didn't he understand that any hope of me fleeing this awkward situation meant actually leaving? Didn't he understand that I was about to emotionally rupture from feelings of being awkward and invisible? Didn't he understand that it was important to me that we go to church right then? Didn't he understand that all I wanted was to get out of there and get to church so that everything would continue to go as I had planned?
At that moment my children started in...
"Mommy, I am soooo hungry."
"Mommy, I need a drink."
"Mommy, why do we have to leave?"
"Mommy, lets stay and have more fun at the park!"
If I heard mommy one more time I thought I would scream.
NO! We were going to go to church. We were going to stick to the plan. We were leaving! We buckled all the of kids into their car seats and as I got in the car I observed all the wonderful homeschooling families we were leaving behind. Was I making a mistake?
The fifteen minute drive to church seemed to take forever with the crying baby in the backseat and my husband and I bickering about the fact that he wanted to stay and I wanted to go. I felt attacked by my entire family...even the baby was screaming! I began to say things that were ridiculous to my husband, who by the way was really calm through all the craziness. The words just came flooding out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them. {Not that I was trying very hard.} I imagined the scene from the movie "Moms Night Out" where the mom is explaining that she has these "moments" that are like the Hulk attacking.
I was having a REALLY bad moment.
So.many.words.
I was saying things I didn't mean and knew I would soon regret.
As we pulled into the church parking lot, I no longer even wanted to be there. "Fantastic." I thought. "Now I have to put on a happy face and look like everything is just dandy." My husband in all his wisdom {not sarcasm} told me to head into worship service while he took the little ones to nursery. As I sulked into the worship center I quickly found a place to sit as the music had already begun. I couldn't sing. The entire reason I wanted to come to church was to worship and I couldn't even do that.
I was a mess.
"Why did I get so upset?" I thought to myself. A flood of thoughts followed..."I am a crazy person. I completed lost it on my husband who was just trying to make the best out of our evening. He didn't deserve the way I had obliterated him with my words. He didn't do anything wrong. Why did I want to leave the park so badly? I could have come to the early service like my husband suggested. Why was it so important that I be here? To make an appearence? Does it matter that much to me that I am here on Saturday night so I can "serve" on Sunday morning? Am I really that prideful? What happened to the girl who desired to serve the Lord because of her love for Him and not for her own self worth?" Tears filled my eyes. I couldn't stop them from coming no matter how hard I tried. I felt like a failure. I had become the girl who served for her name sake and not His. It wasn't something I ever thought would happen to me but it did.
I had lost perspective of what truly mattered.
I had signed up to ministries that I felt called to but my reason for being at church that night wasn't for my Savior {even though I thought that was the reason at first.} The reason I came to church was to be served, to make an appearance, to get in and get out, to check off my boxes and get home.
The tears were falling down my face and I am pretty sure I had the ugly cry going on. {You know, the cry that has all the slimy snot involved...yeah...that one.}
God saw me in the middle of that room, in the midst of my pride and the ugliness. I wasn't invisible to Him. I asked Him for forgiveness. He chipped away at my pride and it hurt. He chipped away the ugliness that was in my heart. I was so grateful for His love and forgiveness. As the pastor began his sermon, I tried my best to focus on the message but I couldn't. I knew I had the forgiveness of my Savior but I had yet to apologize to my husband. So I wrote a note to him on my sermon notes.
"I'm sorry I was so crazy."
"Forgive me?"
He said..."Always"
My response.
{I am grateful to God for giving me a husband to love me through my crazy.}
As our pastor continued his sermon, I was able to focus. Even though the message of grace has hit my heart so many times throughout my life, God always sees fit to remind me often {probably because I need to be reminded.} Our pastor said these words...
"Being a christian has nothing to do with what I do but everything to do with who I am in Christ."
Sometimes, I am crazy person.
Sometimes, I have REALLY bad moments.
Sometimes, I forget who I am.
Sometimes, I forget why I was created.
Sometimes, I forget that I am His...no matter what I do.
But...
He gives grace for my crazy moments.
He gently reminds me that I am His.
He sees me for who He created me to be.
The fact was that when I entered the doors of our church that I didn't need to put on a face that "everything was just dandy" I needed to be real with God and with my brothers and sisters in Christ. God met me where I was at...in the midst of my crazy. He wrapped me up in His loving embrace anyway.
"For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin. But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it. The righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus."
Romans 3:20-24 ESV
-Hadassah
