Victims and Survivors

The other day I sat across from a beautiful friend of mine. I can see in her that she is strong, brave and resolute to follow her Savior.  We swapped life stories and found we had something in common. 

 We were both victims.  

I shared with her my story and she said to me that we are survivors.  I nodded my head in agreement but couldn't fully agree inside.  I felt ashamed. On good days, I could say that I was a survivor but not that day.  That day had followed a day of triggers that filled my heart with heaviness. She had been through so much and had overcome so much.  She was the survivor.  I, however, often wondered how far I had come.  I had made it eleven years with anxiety, depression, triggers, memories, nightmares, bitterness, fear and panic attacks. But as my dear friend sat across from me, all the yuckiness crept back in.  The resentment, the bitterness, the memories.  Not for the offender but for myself. The memories of the choices I had made that led to that night.  The what ifs and the why me seeped deep inside.  Just when I thought that all of that ugliness would creep up thinking that it would take hold of me, chocking me...it couldn't because this time I knew truth.  You see even though I knew the truth, the Lord used my dear friend to remind me just when I thought I was about to lose the battle again.  She said that I was the daughter of the King.  Truth. Right when I needed it.  Grace appearing.  

I am the daughter of the King.  Whatever sins I committed that led up to the night I became a victim are forgiven and forgotten.  Whatever hurt, anxiety, depression, triggers, nightmares or fear can't take hold because I am a daughter of the King.  I am forgiven.  I don't have to be concerned with the offender because I forgive him too.  I say that in present tense because it is something I have to do every single day (sometimes more than once.)  

I have bad days sometimes but on those days I am still His daughter.  He loves me despite my past.  He loved before all of that yuckiness happened.  He died for me before I ever committed a sin.  He had a plan set in motion.  A plan to make me (and you) righteous.  

We have all sinned.  

We have all fallen short of the glory of God.

(ref. Romans 3:23)

We all deserve death for our sins. Yes, death. 

(ref.Romans 6:23)

Yet God, sent His only son to die on the cross for us. (ref. John 3:16)   He rose from the dead three days later. (ref. 1 Corinthians 15:4) If we confess with our mouth that He is Lord, we can be saved. (ref. Romans 10:19) 

He saved me and because of the grace He gave me when I was covered in the filth of sin...

He is my comforter, 

He carries me,

He provides for me.

Yet...it is not about me is it?  He gives all of those things but it is for His glory.  He is so holy, righteous, just, merciful, jealous, all powerful....infinite... 

He is the creator of the universe. The creator of the cell and of the atom.  He created you.  He knitted you together in your mother's womb.(ref. Psalm 139:13) He gave you breath. He is worthy of our adoration.  He is worthy of His glory.  

He rescued me from the pit.  He claimed me as His own.  He healed my broken heart. He made me new.  He washed me whiter than snow.  

I no longer have to look to my past (only to be reminded of what He has done for me) but cling to my Savior. My Savior who has a plan and purpose for me and my future. It is all for Him.  All for His beautiful glory.  I am His.  

I am a survivor. Yes.  

More than anything else...

I am rescued.  

My help and My Deliverer 

"To the choirmaster a psalm of David.

I waited patiently for the Lord, 

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and put their trust in the Lord.

Blessed is the man who makes

the LORD his trust, 

who does not turn to the proud, 

to those who go astray after a lie!

You have multiplied, O LORD my God, 

your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;

none can compare to you!

I will proclaim and tell to them, 

yet they are more than can be told.

In sacrifice and offering you have not delighted,

but you have given me and open ear.

Burnt offering and sin offering

you have not required.

Then I said, "Behold, I have come;

in the scroll of the book it is written of me;

I delight to do your will, O my God;

your law is within my heart."

I have told the glad news of deliverance 

in the great congregation;

behold, I have not restrained my lips,

as you know, O LORD.

I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;

I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;

I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness

from the great congregation.

As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain

your mercy from me;

your steadfast love and your faithfulness will 

every preserve me!

For evils have encompassed me

beyond number;

my iniquities have overtaken me, 

and I cannot see;

they are more than the hairs of my head;

my heart fails me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me!

O LORD, make haste to help me!

Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether 

who seek to snatch away my life;

let those be turned back and brought to dishonor

who delight in my hurt!

Let those be appalled because of their shame

who say to me "Aha, Aha!"

But may all who seek you 

rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who love your salvation

say continually, "Great is the LORD!"

As for me, I am poor and needy,

but the Lord takes thought for me.

You are my help and my deliver;

do not delay, O my God!"

Psalm 40